[ Miach leans back against the wall, considering this seriously. She hasn't been questioned this way before, but she supposes it doesn't hurt to answer. Telling Tuan about her feelings is still different then when therapists and scientists pry and pry and pry, insisting there has to be more than her hatred.
The next message takes her a long time, as she types a lot and only hits enter when all of it is finished. ]
Yes. I was angry at first. Disappointed, hurt. Even though I was alive, as far as you two knew I wasn't. And neither of you followed me. In your version of reality, you would have left me alone on the other side, though we promised to all go together.
None of us made true on our attack. Maybe I was envious that you two still had the freedom to do so, but chose otherwise - all while I was observed day and night, every attempt thwarted before it was made. Every potential further impact on the world already silenced by my legal death. Isn't it funny how you can escape the world and be imprisoned more than ever?
But as I went on in this clinical world of Dian Cécht, under the watchful eyes of the healing God, I was always thinking of you.
What I said on Sunday was all true; I did think about contacting you. However, what would I have said to you? Jailbird that I was, I was as good as dead yet still breathing. Only in your minds could I find the reprieve of actually passing on.
[ A dead Miach, a fiction, a construction, an ideal. Out there, in the minds of two girls. ]
It is said the dead live on in the hearts of those closest to them, but for me it was the opposite.
Only in your hearts I was allowed to be dead.
My truest self, unviolated by your father's interference, was still with you, in your memories.
A fiction. But a fiction truer to my intentions than reality.
There was nothing better I could have possibly done for you, was there?
[That's a bit of a wait and Tuan wonders if she might've exhausted Miach's patience with that question. Her brow furrows when she receives a text wall, but the more of it she reads, the sicker she feels. Sitting up straight on her bed, she curls into the fetal position, hands gripping her device just a little too tight.]
Only in my mind, you were able to feel that you'd succeeded.
Only in my mind where I'd plunged into total hopelessness because I believed I'd left you to die alone and that there was no way of escaping this hell permanently.
That was all that mattered to you.
[She's not even touching the repeated mention of her father, though that feels like a rabbit punch to the gut. That one's not her fault - there's no way she'd have wanted that for anyone, but even this flare up of anger is nothin compared to the empty feeling that this utter selfishness she has just read inspires.[
[ Hopelessness? In the privacy of her room, Miach raises her eyebrows. It's not something she ever seriously considered before coming here and seeing Tuan again. ]
Isn't success a hopeful thing?
Time and time I've tried, time and time they dragged me to the morality center, therapy regimen after therapy regimen.
But if I had died then and there, that would have demonstrated it, the viability of escape. The total erasure of the resource that is Miach Mihie.
[Though it's difficult to convey tone through text, Tuan doesn't mean this negatively. It's just an observation of the reality that this is a perfect encapsulation of Miach Mihie - someone who believes so much in herself that she couldn't fathom what it was like to believe in yourself by proxy.
There's a brief pause after Tuan sends that first message.] I tried too, you know.
I've hated Admedistrative society for a long time. Before we ever met. I tried to irreparably damage my body in defiance of Lifeism and everything I despised.
It didn't work.
Until I met you, I didn't believe anything would work. You showed me a different method. Something that I could have never come up with myself. Even then. armed with a perfect plan.. I still failed.
I knew there would never be a point in trying again after that. You "died" and all my hopes went with you.
Then I don't see how my own lack of success would have been any more hope inspiring.
[ For a moment this text stands on its own, then it is followed by another: ]
It's not your fault, Tuan, that you didn't die that time.
It's not our fault that we've been dragged out of our self-chosen destiny. The fight isn't easy and we've met set-backs, but I'm not going to give up on our attack. I don't believe it's impossible.
[ Miach lets herself flop to the side, so she comes to lay own her back and can stare at the ceiling for a moment. She's smiling. Somehow, Tuan is cute this way. Odd, but cute.
A love that isn't based in compassion or duty, a possessiveness that is obscenely selfish in nature and that is only for her, because she can't be replaced... it's not that bad to be liked that way, Miach guesses. ]
[ It's so laughably easy, it should be obvious. Miach can only conclude that Tuan really wants her to say it. ]
Maybe we should prove it to each other - that nothing we dream of is truly impossible and that we have something to walk towards to once we leave Reims.
[That should be too little too late, and Tuan knows that. A self respecting person wouldn't be so pathetic as to accept something that isn't even an apology. So just... what does this make her?
Tuan puts her device down and hugs her knees. Eventually after several long moments, she replies with:]
What are you suggesting this time
[But she can guess and that's probably why she leaves out the question mark. It's wholly unintentional, but then when she realizes the mistake, she doesn't correct it with a belated "?"]
Let's do what both of us tried and never could. There's no need to fear that we won't be able to go through with it, not if we prove once and for all that we can go, and that we can go together.
In this realm, we may return afterwards, but in every other world it will be enough. Wherever else we go, we can forever carry the precedent experience with us.
Let's bury the selves who failed and got separated. Let's bury them together with our own hands, side by side.
Let's make this tiny piece of our dreams to come true. I will be the first step to a new start.
[....ah. That wasn't surprising at all, but the invitation from three years ago still sends shivers down her spine. It had been so easy to agree back then. Now.. it's different, isn't it?
Three years of pretending. Three years of gritting her teeth and blending in while hating every second of it. Three years of being resigned to living in her pseudo-rebellious way. She hadn't learned to love life any more for it, so whether she lives or dies is irrelevant to Tuan herself.
In Reims, that question is even more irrelevant. The dead just come right back after all, making a mockery out of the ultimate choice one can make to end their own misery permanently. Her instincts upon hearing this dangerous idea ought to be an obvious "no, I'm tired of engaging in futile actions."
But she already knows that's not the case. Using a knife to pierce her own flesh just to hurt herself here - that;s a futile action, too. It felt necessary on an existential level, as though doing so would somehow replace her existence with a different state of consciousness if only for a little while. A bandaid of sorts.
Having Miach posit the idea to her this way puts her in split mind where she can simultaneously acknowledge the inherent stupidity of it while also embracing its beautiful symbolism. Gaining mastery over their pasts and being able to look herself in the eye again and being able to do so with Miach Mihie by her side....
It's everything Tuan wanted. She wonders briefly if this is a plan that Miach would carry out by herself even if she declined the invitation, but then... that doesn't seem to matter when she knows her own answer isn't contingent on that.]
[ Miach smiles. The prospect is thrilling and not even the ultimate futility of it can lessen that impact. After so many attempts, the thought of finally knowing what it's like, even for a moment... Miach yearns for it.
Ever since hearing about the reset room, the thought had lingered on her mind, but she hadn't exactly meant to just go unceremoniously. She needed an opportunity, something to give it meaning.
Tuan provides this meaning easily. ]
A week from now. I want you to know I am not going to change my mind on it even if you give me time to think it over - and I want to know the same of you.
If in a week, you still want to die with me, I'll have everything prepared.
[So a complete reliving of their past actions, huh? Tuan closes her eyes briefly, trying to quell a feeling of nausea. It's fitting, she supposes, but it's not easy to confront.]
No, that's too slow. The hospital has faster things to offer, ironically. We're both anxious for results, aren't we?
Though if you have another preference, I'll listen.
[ This time it isn't an attack, it isn't about perishing in front of people's eyes as they are too coddled to notice... it's about Tuan and her, so Tuan might as well have a say. ]
[Tuan contemplates in silence. "We'll die" comes as a strange relief to her, despite knowing it doesn't really mean anything in Reims. Inexplicably, her thoughts drift to Cian and the look of horror she would have on her face if she knew what they were up to. Times have.. really changed and Tuan can't say if it's for the better or for the worse.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2018-01-26 11:49 pm (UTC)The next message takes her a long time, as she types a lot and only hits enter when all of it is finished. ]
Yes.
I was angry at first. Disappointed, hurt. Even though I was alive, as far as you two knew I wasn't. And neither of you followed me. In your version of reality, you would have left me alone on the other side, though we promised to all go together.
None of us made true on our attack. Maybe I was envious that you two still had the freedom to do so, but chose otherwise - all while I was observed day and night, every attempt thwarted before it was made. Every potential further impact on the world already silenced by my legal death. Isn't it funny how you can escape the world and be imprisoned more than ever?
But as I went on in this clinical world of Dian Cécht, under the watchful eyes of the healing God, I was always thinking of you.
What I said on Sunday was all true; I did think about contacting you. However, what would I have said to you? Jailbird that I was, I was as good as dead yet still breathing. Only in your minds could I find the reprieve of actually passing on.
[ A dead Miach, a fiction, a construction, an ideal. Out there, in the minds of two girls. ]
It is said the dead live on in the hearts of those closest to them, but for me it was the opposite.
Only in your hearts I was allowed to be dead.
My truest self, unviolated by your father's interference, was still with you, in your memories.
A fiction. But a fiction truer to my intentions than reality.
There was nothing better I could have possibly done for you,
was there?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 01:53 am (UTC)Only in my mind, you were able to feel that you'd succeeded.
Only in my mind where I'd plunged into total hopelessness because I believed I'd left you to die alone and that there was no way of escaping this hell permanently.
That was all that mattered to you.
[She's not even touching the repeated mention of her father, though that feels like a rabbit punch to the gut. That one's not her fault - there's no way she'd have wanted that for anyone, but even this flare up of anger is nothin compared to the empty feeling that this utter selfishness she has just read inspires.[
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 02:02 am (UTC)Isn't success a hopeful thing?
Time and time I've tried, time and time they dragged me to the morality center, therapy regimen after therapy regimen.
But if I had died then and there, that would have demonstrated it, the viability of escape. The total erasure of the resource that is Miach Mihie.
A final testament to our convictions.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 06:23 pm (UTC)[Though it's difficult to convey tone through text, Tuan doesn't mean this negatively. It's just an observation of the reality that this is a perfect encapsulation of Miach Mihie - someone who believes so much in herself that she couldn't fathom what it was like to believe in yourself by proxy.
There's a brief pause after Tuan sends that first message.]
I tried too, you know.
I've hated Admedistrative society for a long time. Before we ever met. I tried to irreparably damage my body in defiance of Lifeism and everything I despised.
It didn't work.
Until I met you, I didn't believe anything would work. You showed me a different method. Something that I could have never come up with myself. Even then. armed with a perfect plan.. I still failed.
I knew there would never be a point in trying again after that. You "died" and all my hopes went with you.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 10:07 pm (UTC)[ For a moment this text stands on its own, then it is followed by another: ]
It's not your fault, Tuan, that you didn't die that time.
It's not our fault that we've been dragged out of our self-chosen destiny. The fight isn't easy and we've met set-backs, but I'm not going to give up on our attack. I don't believe it's impossible.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 11:29 pm (UTC)But same difference ro you.
[Not that she's bitter or anything.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 11:41 pm (UTC)A love that isn't based in compassion or duty, a possessiveness that is obscenely selfish in nature and that is only for her, because she can't be replaced... it's not that bad to be liked that way, Miach guesses. ]
I missed you, too.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 11:46 pm (UTC)So what do you want, Miach?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-27 11:50 pm (UTC)[ It's so laughably easy, it should be obvious. Miach can only conclude that Tuan really wants her to say it. ]
Maybe we should prove it to each other - that nothing we dream of is truly impossible and that we have something to walk towards to once we leave Reims.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 12:08 am (UTC)Tuan puts her device down and hugs her knees. Eventually after several long moments, she replies with:]
What are you suggesting this time
[But she can guess and that's probably why she leaves out the question mark. It's wholly unintentional, but then when she realizes the mistake, she doesn't correct it with a belated "?"]
this whole thread is cw suicide but it just amped up to 11, beware
Date: 2018-01-28 01:41 am (UTC)Let's do what both of us tried and never could. There's no need to fear that we won't be able to go through with it, not if we prove once and for all that we can go, and that we can go together.
In this realm, we may return afterwards, but in every other world it will be enough. Wherever else we go, we can forever carry the precedent experience with us.
Let's bury the selves who failed and got separated. Let's bury them together with our own hands, side by side.
Let's make this tiny piece of our dreams to come true. I will be the first step to a new start.
/adds cw for self harm mentions sob
Date: 2018-01-28 02:14 am (UTC)Three years of pretending. Three years of gritting her teeth and blending in while hating every second of it. Three years of being resigned to living in her pseudo-rebellious way. She hadn't learned to love life any more for it, so whether she lives or dies is irrelevant to Tuan herself.
In Reims, that question is even more irrelevant. The dead just come right back after all, making a mockery out of the ultimate choice one can make to end their own misery permanently. Her instincts upon hearing this dangerous idea ought to be an obvious "no, I'm tired of engaging in futile actions."
But she already knows that's not the case. Using a knife to pierce her own flesh just to hurt herself here - that;s a futile action, too. It felt necessary on an existential level, as though doing so would somehow replace her existence with a different state of consciousness if only for a little while. A bandaid of sorts.
Having Miach posit the idea to her this way puts her in split mind where she can simultaneously acknowledge the inherent stupidity of it while also embracing its beautiful symbolism. Gaining mastery over their pasts and being able to look herself in the eye again and being able to do so with Miach Mihie by her side....
It's everything Tuan wanted. She wonders briefly if this is a plan that Miach would carry out by herself even if she declined the invitation, but then... that doesn't seem to matter when she knows her own answer isn't contingent on that.]
When?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 02:20 am (UTC)Ever since hearing about the reset room, the thought had lingered on her mind, but she hadn't exactly meant to just go unceremoniously. She needed an opportunity, something to give it meaning.
Tuan provides this meaning easily. ]
A week from now. I want you to know I am not going to change my mind on it even if you give me time to think it over - and I want to know the same of you.
If in a week, you still want to die with me, I'll have everything prepared.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 02:29 am (UTC)What's there to prepare? According to everyone here, all you have to do is make some kind of a noise and you die just like that.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 02:34 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 02:36 am (UTC)[Or more accurately, she supposes she doesn't really care.]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 02:40 am (UTC)If you have no preference, I want to do it the old-fashioned way.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 02:53 am (UTC)With the same drug?
no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 02:57 am (UTC)Though if you have another preference, I'll listen.
[ This time it isn't an attack, it isn't about perishing in front of people's eyes as they are too coddled to notice... it's about Tuan and her, so Tuan might as well have a say. ]
no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 03:12 am (UTC)[....Well. She adds:]
Something that's sure to be lethal, too.
no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 03:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-28 03:34 am (UTC)Okay then.